There is a reason this post is actually hypothetical.
The reason that this is all hypothetical, is that, well, video games ate all the potential boys. You know, the ones we’re supposed to enjoy flirting with and baking food for. Yeah, them. Munch, munch, munch went the video game, and poof went the boyfriends. I guess those boys were tasty (not that I’d know, the games keep them pretty isolated, much like an envious ex), because they’re all gone now! Like really good muffins at a party- They’re just…gone.
As we speak, all the boys we should be talking to, rather than writing silly self-help posts about, are all in basements across the country, gluing their eyes and fingers to glowing rectangle boxes that make gory sounds. Which really isn’t natural. What primitive creature will be found in a dark hole with something noisy and bright? None. Most creatures don’t do that, except for all eligible men. These men then lose eligibility because they’re hiding in dark holes doing absolutely nothing except murder people with false semi-automatic weapons.
Not to say that video games are bad. I’m sure that there are some out there that teach your grandma to knit better or improve your dad’s balance, and we all know that better-knit scarves and dads who don’t collapse randomly are good. After all, who’s gonna fix that ladder you broke or what’s gonna keep your neck warm in the winter?
But what is bad about them then? When the boys who used to be funny and sweet and chivalrous and charming (yes, those things used to exist, they’re not just myths!) disappeared into dark rooms and behind doors. That's a problem.
They do like to be social about it too. You can find clumps of guys hiding in these corners and laughing when a woman’s head falls off with excess blood. What does that say about gender roles? Where is my suffrage? Do I have a right to veto Modern Warfare 3? Isn’t this democracy? Shouldn’t I get my peaceful say without hordes of teenage boys with no social skills trying to kill me with guns that don’t really exist?
So what is the draw of these games? If they shut the guys out from all the attractive girls who are sitting around waiting to see another male specimen under the age of old, why would a guy even bother?
We went inside to the source: a couple teenagers whose favorite pastimes include Modern Warfare 3, Black Ops, Halo: Reach, and Skyrim.
Stay tuned for exclusive interviews with the potential boyfriends who were eaten.
