CID-DFW-DEN (Disjointed plane thoughts)

CID-DFW

I’m taking off and the runway is going by faster and faster, and this is the part that I usually love most about flying, but all I want to do is stand up and jump out of the door and run back to my dorm room. And I don't know why. I'm fighting an overwhelming urge to cry. An overwhelming fight or flight response screams flight in my head, which is ironic because the last thing I want to do is be here on this flight. And I don't know why.

Normally, I love flying. The movement, the change, the people, the sensation of moving hundreds of miles an hour. Right now though it's hard to love flying when I'm struggling to not cling to Iowa. Like the book I was reading (til all of these feels ambushed me) was saying, people seek comfort and shy away from change.

I like the comfort of Iowa. How friendly people are. How predictable my life is, how controlled. There's a lot of structure provided by the fact that I do so much. I've built myself a structure cocoon in all my events, classes, and clubs.

I'm also avoiding confronting emotions about being home, more than likely. The questions about everything. The purposeless, aimless wandering feeling.

Why don't I want to go home?

Home is just as much Iowa as it is Colorado. Home in Boulder will feel a little emptier without Grandma. That's a tough emptiness to confront. Shoot. Those aren't tears lining up behind my ducts...I don’t know what you’re talking about.  

Hunger and reading books like this one (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller) always make me contemplative and a little confrontational. And emotional, apparently. I feel wrong blaming it all on that though. I know I really am avoiding things here. But it's tough to make yourself stop avoiding something in your head. That's what Don Miller was just talking about-- characters have to be moved and forced. They don't like change or scary things, so they won’t willingly just wander into those situations.

Miller talks about having a sense of a Voice, which he then identifies as the Writer in his life. This Writer (understood to be God) suggests small and large life choices, starting with Miller holding his tongue more often but leading into him finding his dad.  Miller talks about how the Writer can see the whole story of life and knows what will lead to a better story, but how hard it can be to go along with His suggestions sometimes.

I've also had a sense of the Writer, or Daddy, recently, suggesting that I do a thing or two to live a better story. It hasn't always been what I want, but He has always made it work out for my good somehow-- often just because I'm learning to trust Him increasingly. It wasn't particularly hard or painful, til now. Now something about this is engaging my fight or flight like nobody's business, something about the changes I’m required to accept, the changes I’m going to undergo.

I look down and notice yet again how the callouses on my hands are flecking off. I didn't realize I had callouses there, honestly. It's because we've stopped lifting. I miss lifting already. But I'm not sure how I feel lifting alone just for the sake of staying in it.

It's like that with spiritual work too though--- you lose your callouses, your muscle mass, your capacity and strength if you stop lifting. I stopped again.

Why did I stop? Why is it so hard to continue with reading the word, with constant prayer?

It's tough to find time for devotional time. Because time isn't a thing I just stumble upon in my life, and when I do, I do what I didn't think I would have time for, usually homework or sleeping or buying groceries. So why don't I make time for Him?

I'm afraid He'll ask me to change in really hard ways. I'm scared of what I'm inevitably going to need to change, specifically my interactions with specific people. Changing things sounds hard and I don't want to submit to change without knowing what specifics I'm agreeing to change. I want control. But I don't get control, and I know that, so I avoid the situation as a result.

As much as I fight submitting my relationships to Daddy, this whole semester, especially the last month, has taught me a lot about submitting my plans. I’m learning time and time again how good He is when I do submit.

I was supposed to see Grandma over break. I was supposed to be spending time with her for hours after I got off the plane. I was supposed to borrow her knitting needles and learn really hard quilt patterns and make her dinner and hear her stories. That didn't happen. And I know God is using this for his best purposes. I know it was a good spring break and that I needed time in Cedar Rapids to recharge and get a handle on things and process. And I guess now I need to be going home. But learning to submit how I wanted things to go, even how I expected them to go, is hard. It's like what Ryan Hill was talking about in church last Sunday. I need to surrender my plans to Him, but wow that's harder than I thought it would be.

I don't get to be home for church this week as they transition to 2 services. ...I just automatically called Veritas and Iowa home-- no wonder I have funny feelings about going back to Colorado again. I'm so excited on behalf of Veritas as they move into new structure; 2 services is exciting.

DFW-DEN

"We don't know how capable we are of loving until the people we love are being taken away, until a beautiful story is ending." -Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

That makes me want to schedule coffee and adventures with every person I know for the next ever just to make sure they know how much they mean to me. Because when I think about the people I don't want to lose, the ones it'll hurt most to lose, I go to my grandma (whose service I'm heading to on this plane), my brothers, my parents, my best friends... And the names keep coming. Every single person I know crops up eventually, and I just want them to know how crazy wonderful they are. What their strengths are. How much I appreciate them for being a character in my story. How much God loves them. How much I want to see them one day in heaven.

But God doesn't give us time to schedule coffee and adventures with every person ever. God gives us 24 hours in a day (unless you're traveling through time zones, and then time gets weird) and however many days He thinks makes sense, and way more people in our story than we will ever have time to get coffee with. And we get to figure out how to convey how meaningful those people are with our few resources and precious time. I guess that's what they mean when they say time is precious. It's limited, and there's a lot we can do with it. Prioritizing becomes important, but so does not wasting time. Suddenly that's a lot more important.

How do I turn my aimless aloneness into loving God & loving others, into meaningful, precious time?

Don Miller talks about how God is like the grandfather ad infinitum-- with hundreds of generations of grand kids, and so much resulting wisdom. Watching the cars of Texas from above gives you so much perspective on how you can see things working in the bigger picture, like the flow of traffic and directions and how it all fits together. I think God's a lot like that too-- he can see everything from where He sits, how all the pieces fit together. But that's why the fact Jesus came in person is so crazy to me-- people aren't even visible from planes. God got down on our tiny level and loved us.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
1 John 4:9

That's really cool. Oh how He loves us so. How great He is. How blessed we are & how blessed I am to have such a good Father in heaven who is so worthy of all praise. Thank you, Daddy.

Some background for those who need it: my grandma died three weeks ago at the wonderful age of 97. She was a joy and a role model, and loved Jesus dearly. I flew home for her memorial service this week-- these are some of the thoughts that I processed on my flights home to Colorado. Daddy's taught me a lot through her life and her death, and He is always to be praised. Psalm 104. 

Muddy Musings (alliteration points!)

If you missed it somehow, this little corner of the earth is underwater right now, at least mostly. Boulder, CO is a lot of a wet wreck, but at least we can't complain about the heat now. 

My personal corner of the world is pretty dry. The creek is up and the road is washed out in a spot, but we're doing well otherwise. 

Rain makes me muse-y, and this week is no exception. Riding home on the tailgate of the truck from mucking in a culvert or two, I realized how darn grateful I am for all those things that I take for granted most of the time. Like electricity (now that it's back) and showers and the fact that we're essentially self sufficient for short amounts of time up here. I'm grateful that we have heat and no basement to flood and a nice buffer of space between us and the creek. I'm so thankful for our neighbors who bring my Grandma things like a generator for her oxygen, and for all the great people who live up here. I'm thankful for my incredible senior class, most of which is out helping someone else right now, even though they're mostly all flooded too. I'm thankful for rain and it's moisture, even though this has been destructive. In a way, I'm thankful for the destruction. James 1 tells us to thank God for all things, so I'm trying to remember that. I'm also learning to let go of things because of the rain, and I'm sure others are too. I'm thankful for how darn awesome the community is too. I'm thankful for the toaster especially. 

If you're the praying sort (or even if you're not!) pray with me for the emergency crews out there this week. For the 20 unaccounted for people in Boulder County. For the people who have houses and cars underwater and who just have damp carpets. For the people who are pitching in to help others and the public service companies. For every family out there. For every building, especially the schools (and nonprofits). For everyone who can find a silver lining in this and for everyone who can't. Thanks be to God that he's sovereign through this and over the wind and the rain. 

Stay dry, loves! And if you can't do that, then accept your socks are wet and dive into the adventure:) 

Xoxox Lo

[A reminder we all need]

Hello, beautiful person! 

You are valuable beyond belief. You, yes, you. This is addressed directly to you. 

Your value doesn't come from if he smiled at you today or if she hit on you. It doesn't come from your performance in a sport or your gym class or how well you pay attention in choir. Your value isn't decreased by the fact you tripped down the stairs today or increased by how well you recovered it. You aren't more or less valuable because half the school is talking about you or because you memorized your part early. Just because your relationships aren't exactly swell doesn't mean you are any less or more valuable. You aren't extra special or extra average because you got your college apps in already or because you have no idea what you want to do with your life, or if college is even in the mix. What your parents, teachers, friends, siblings or strangers think about you doesn't change the fact that you are extraordinary, valuable, and loved beyond measure. Nothing can change that.  

You are exquisite because Daddy made you that way. He adores you and thinks you're the coolest person ever. That's pretty rad, if you ask me. What's better is that He always stays the same, so you can do NOTHING to lose or earn his love. It just is. 

So breathe in and exhale slowly. Relax, and know you're in good Hands. Know that while it's a great idea to study for this or practice for that or just be a generally kind or studious or whatever person, it doesn't make you worth more or less. You're excellent just as you are. Keep smiling:)

Happy weekend, loves! 

All my love, 

Lauren 

Letters and Birthday Wishes

Hi friends! It's been a while, hasn't it? Maybe M and I will track down more free time this year to bop here more often (aaaand maybe not). 

Just a few thoughts coming your way. Ready? 

First off, it is the lovely Madeleine's EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY! (Sorry about the shouting. I'll warn you next time) Soooo... A round of Happy Birthday is in order. But that's obnoxious to type, so sing it in your head. Madeleine, (shouting, coming up) THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY SONG; IT ISN'T VERY LONG. HEY! 

Next order of business: just take a moment and find 5 things you're legitimately grateful for in this moment. 

Mine: 

1. Spit 

2. That-after rain smell

3. Contacts 

4. Clean drinking water 

5. Hot showers

Just take a minute and thank Daddy for those things. He's so, SO good to you and me. 

My wonderful newly-turned-21-year-old brother (so many August birthdays already!) has brought the blog Today's Letter's to my attention. Go check it out sometime. I think her ideas are rad, and therefore I'm borrowing her little letter idea (the one that I assume the blog is named for). But go find hers for the real deal. 

Dear contacts, I wish we got along better. I wish we saw eye to eye more often (pun  vaguely intended and intentionally left), and I mostly wish I could see better when I was driving because you weren't acting up. Dear Ryan, thank you for making me laugh so much. I hope that things brighten up a little bit for you:) Dear pride, I really need to learn to let go of you. You like to masquerade as confidence sometimes, and that sucks. Stop doing that please. Dear mom, thanks for dinner. Dear Madsauce, happy birthday, princess. Olive you! Dear need for validation, why have you been acting up so much recently? I wish you weren't so dear to me. Calm yourself. 

Happy Monday, one and all! Know you're so loved and lovely, and know that you're not alone in whatever nonsense you're going through. 

Xoxox Lauren

Take a moment

Everything's flying past and the stress levels are mounting. You probably even don't have time to read this (I definitely don't have time to write it!). You just want to go crawl in a hole and cry yourself to sleep; maybe things will work out and be better when you wake up.
Do yourself a favor: take three deep breaths. Drop everything, shut your eyes, and take three deep breaths. Lean into the fact that you are loved, and that God will not send you into a situation that you can't take on and survive (with His help, of course). Trust that peace. Maybe things won't end as you hoped or planned, but everything will be alright in the end. If it's not ok, it's not over yet.
Breathe. Let go. Inhale, exhale.  Your life is a crazy and beautiful thing. Just don't get so deep into the crazy that you lose sight of the beautiful.
While your eyes are shut, take a moment to thank God (even if you've never talked to Him before and feel crazy doing so) for just three things today. Maybe they were challenges or times people forgave you or just seeing a flower next to the sidewalk. It's just between you two.
Breathe and trust His Peace. You're gonna be ok.

1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 136:26 Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Prayers and love,

Lauren

Prom with Daddy

Prom is JUST around the corner. It's in all sorts of advertising, and on many people's minds. In some ways it consumes people. Guys think about who they are gonna ask, how they are gonna ask that girl, if they are going to get a tux, and how they are going to pay for everything. Girls spend hours dreaming about their dress, hoping to get asked by that one guy, flipping through millions of magazines that tell them how to look absolutely wonderful, planning exactly how the night will go, and making sure that every detail is taken care of.

"Prom, it's like the Olympics of high school." -Disney's Prom

One night. It may be fun and memorable, but at the end of the day it's just one dance and then it's over. How can it become something we can remember?


This year, I'm going to enjoy prom with my Daddy. No, not my father whom I live with, but my Father in heaven: God. I am just a sophomore and therefore am not even old enough to attend my high school's prom. I will be helping out because I'm in student council, but the point is that I will still be dressed in the most beautiful of clothes and dancing.
Jeremiah 31:30 tells us how when the Lord is found "Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
I may not have a dance with the boy I like, but I will be dancing in the delight of the Lord. I may be bummed that he didn't ask me- but I will still be joyful because my Daddy is with me.
God is the King of Kings, and therefore I am His princess. In Psalm 45:13-14 it says how God dresses up his daughters, "All glorious is the princess within her chamber; her gown is interwoven with gold. In embroidered garments she is led to the king." And just before that in Psalm 45:11 it says how "The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." He dresses us in His righteousness, not because of anything we've done, but simply out of unconditional love.


I may not be going to our school's prom, but I will be dancing with my Daddy who thinks I'm beautiful.

Who I am is not my relationship status

One of the things about my generation that blows my mind is how we determine a relationship's seriousness and sincerity by how it comes across on Facebook, especially via the infamous relationship status. If something isn't "FB official" we doubt the commitment level and whether the two people can handle having the world know.


In truth, some of us just don't think it's needed to post about our little lives constantly. If you want to know where I stand, ask me. I'm not condemning Facebook or using it to keep up with others. But I also don't think we should assume where anyone stands based off of posting online in any medium.


See, it goes like this. I'm not worth anything because of who I know, what I say, or what I do. That feels like pretty basic head-nodding material, but think about it. What you do and say means nothing if you do it for and by yourself. Essentially, I am worthless without Christ.


And in Him, I am worth everything.


Whether Facebook or anything else says I'm in a relationship or single, it doesn't matter. That doesn't make me worth anything more or less. Even if I AM dating someone, that still doesn't change my identity at it's purest and most raw level. I am loved and beautiful and freed and a dancing daughter of the King because He made me so, not because he made me so. If you catch my drift.


If not, let me break it down for you. God is the only one who gets say in my worth. If any boy (or girl) calls me beautiful or valued or sweet, they're certainly right, but not because they said it. Little he (boy and/or man) can certainly speak worth to me, but his approval or lack thereof doesn't change me one iota. Sorry, boys. Big He (Daddy/God) says I'm all that and more. He gets to say that, see, He kinda made me like that. Can't argue with how I'm made.


You tracking? If not, email me. I'm pretty sure my email is somewhere on this page...


My point is this: because I am everything in Christ, I am free to relate to people. If I run into people (boys particularly) and date or not, that's cool. I just am looking to share life. Whether or not we're dating or "FB official" or at whatever marker that says how committed we are doesn't really matter to me. As long as we're happy, we're just gonna go for it. The last thing I want to do is ever shape a relationship because of how I'll have to explain it or how people will think of it.


"In Christ alone, my hope is found."
May that be true in all our lives.


All my love,
Lauren