Just a Boy

This is a song I wrote in the summer of 2011. I found it in some old stuff, and thought I'd share.

~~~

I was falling down

Stumbling on my own way.

Thought I knew it all,

But then came the day:

I fell too far,

For something that wouldn't last.

But God picked me up

In His love that's deep and vast.

See you're just a boy

Who's never been mine.

But I've got my God

To keep me satisfied.

Now, each day gets better,

But each day still hurts.

Just know that I'm healing,

I can't get worse.

'Cuz you're just a boy

Who's never been mine.

But I've got my God,

To keep me satisfied.

I've moved on,

My heart's been made pure.

I don't need you now

And I won't cry anymore.

See, you're just a boy

Who's never been mine.

But I've got my God,

And I'll be just fine.

~~~

Have you ever listened to Ooh Ahh by Grits? If not, I recommend that you do. Right now. I'm a huge fan.

Anyways, In the song, there is a line,

The fear of never falling in love and the tears after losing the feeling of what you thought love was.

Last Summer, that was what I felt like. I cried pointless tears over a guy who dumped me because I thought that I had lost "love." I felt like I'd never be whole again, and a part of me would always be missing. The pain I felt in my heart burdened me and brought me down. One day, though, while just playing around on the piano, it hit me. I felt better than I had the day before. I was gonna be alright. There, in my moment of revelation, this song was born. After I had finished it, I felt lighter knowing that I didn't need that boy in order to be happy. I found the true love of God which was enough to keep me fully satisfied.

It has a tune and stuff, but I don't have the ability or talent to record and/or post. Sorry team!

Something of freedom

Maybe it's selfish of me to not accept love and grace. I know it's a human thing too, that we don't see the love He has for us as readily, which is dumb because there's way more and it's way better. But maybe in my own head, in my own thoughts, I think I'm not ok enough to love. That somehow He can love everyone else fully and deeply but when He gets to me, He only has the tail end of it like the bruised end of a banana or He's completely out. Maybe it's the broken promises, the loneliness, or the silence, but somehow that's what I expect. I don't mind being second; people are welcome to go first- I don't need to push. It's a you-then-me family around here.

"Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done

Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?"

But I can't let that get into my relationship with Daddy. I'm not the last one in a handout line.

I'm standing atop Mount Sinai or Mount Carmel or even just Sugarloaf, enveloped in His fiery presence. It's just us. I'm a little awed and a little ashamed. I feel so undeserving. What have I done to get here? I don't remember the journey up here, the sacrifices I had to make. I just know I'm here. And as much as the journey matters, I seem to think that right now is all that's gonna matter right now. Like my past and present don't exist. All the shortcomings I know I had, all the times I fell flat on my face, all the good moments when I did what I was supposed to too- they're all just not there. Something in me wants to ask who I am without a past and future. But something in me knows it's going to be ok.
You're mine.
A voice doesn't echo in the silence that buzzes anyways. It resounds in me. It digs into my core and buries itself there. It stripped off all the lies and the secrets and shame a long time ago and now it settles at my very core. The layers have been peeled back and my tender heart seems to beat way to quickly, way too loudly. But even that doesn't scare Him away. My shame and fear are staked a little ways away at the feet of a man who is bleeding and broken, but stands taller than I do by half a foot. And His presence speaks volumes.
The man's smile breaks like sunset and lights up everything equally and better. I don't turn in shame; I can't. The man holds every shame and fear that I had on leashes. They're awful creatures that aren't quite alive, and it hurts to look at them, but I'm caught up in this man's smile anyways. I don't known his face or who he is, but I have a small hunch that this is the Master of the wind and waves and of me.
I don't think I've ever run as fast or as hard in my life to Him, and I don't think I've ever felt as whole. My past doesn't come back to me, so I can't reference that. But I feel the Dream of Eden in me- that of perfect love with Daddy. I don't know how to explain it really, and don't feel a need for once to explain anything. Because I get the feeling that this man knows. That there is nothing he doesn't know. I think he knows more than I do, honestly. My beast of fear reacts, but it's not me anymore.
We stand on a cliff. All day wouldn't be enough with this man, but I don't have much of a sense of time anyways right now. The wind blows around this cliff. It's strong and scary and I think I might fall, except the man has me firmly. We look down at the circling dark that swirls around a beautiful world. The dark is in and overwhelming the beauty, but the beauty fights back to her best. The man explains that he's going to go down and fix it soon. I believe that. When we look to the other side, we see a dark place. From down below, the entire place would appear a bit like Vegas downtown- glitzy, shiny, promising, and chipping to show the fake. But from up here, all we can see is a city of darkness- of shame and fear and lies and worthlessness. This city is so built on everyone in the beautiful world as much as it's built on it's own inhabitants. The man gestures to my beasts. I won't be needing them.

"We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us"

They are not like puppies. They tempt me to cuddle them and hide them away like I have before. I know better this time. The man holds the first on still and I kick it as hard as I can into that dark city. Back to where it came from. I don't need it. Then the next and the next and the next. The man smiles broadly. It was almost a scary prospect to surrender those with his help, but it feels so good.
Gone are the doubts. Gone are the fears. Gone are the thoughts that I don't matter. That I'm not pretty enough. That I need to do more in order to be loved.
Now, I'm standing with him again. This time he's smiling again at me, but something's different. His smile seems sadder. He hugs me and then turns and walks to where a cross is resting. I hadn't noticed it. Shouldering it, he starts walking.
Come on; join me.
I do. I want to help him. Maybe he is the strongest person in the world, but somehow I feel the need to carry that cross up that steep hill too. Then I realize it's not his cross. That man carried his cross many many years ago in his surrender. Now it's my turn- he's carrying mine. I'm just responsible for it too in ways. So we start the journey up that hill. It's not easy and I trip and stumble, but my Daddy loves me very much and protects me from the pain.

"Life is waiting for you
And life I have given to you
Tell me what else can I do
What more have I left to prove?
That I am what you need
Still I will hold on to your heart
Through the chaos and the dark
When your eyes fail to see
So what are you waiting for?

On and on we go
Come love take my hand
On and on we go
As you run away again
On and on we go
Back to where this all began"

This is goodbye, I hope

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Maybe not a chance like Winnie the Pooh would have wanted....
"Goodbye? Oh, no, please. Can’t we go back to page one and do it all over again?"

I'm sorry, Pooh, we can't. But sometimes goodbye is a second chance at life. Maybe it's just a second chance to breathe. To redevelop something in you that was choked by what used to be.

And goodbye doesn't have to be to a boy or a girl. Maybe goodbye is saying goodbye to what should never have been. A habit? An addiction? A broken thought process? When we say goodbye to what was holding us down, we say goodbye to a little chain that kept us tethered, something that didn't let us from flying free, something that didn't let us live the Christian life we were supposed to.

A note: when I say "Christian life," your mind might automatically zoom to the place that says "Christian lifestyle= vanilla, boring, average goody-goody life, shiny cars and Jesus music." Can you, just for a moment (though ideally for longer), put that mentality to the side? Can you see the life-changing effect that Christ has? Can you see the freedom and the joy that come from life in Christ? Can you breathe in a little whiff of how good that life is?
24-7 Prayer International has a Vision statement that answers the question, "What is the Vision?." The poem was written late one night as part of the first-ever 24-7 prayer event by a man just trying to work out his life. Part of it reads:
"The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons. They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday. They wouldn't even notice. They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won. They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence. They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying. What is the vision ? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure."

Does that sound like the stereotypical "go to church, do your job, go home, pretend everything is fine and listen to soft music all the time" Christian? Not to me. It sounds like pure missions. Like serving the One who asks only that of us. It sounds free and beautiful.

Goodbye means that we can let go of what we used to clutch so dearly. That we can now breathe deeply of His presence and take His hand. That we give up the crutches of relationships, of problems, of hatred and drama, of grudges, of addictions, of old habits, and we run to Him. We let go of the old and take hold of the new.

But when we do, the Enemy will absolutely, 100% attack us. Here's something that shouldn't be a radical thought, but somewhat blows my mind: Satan hates you.

Not only that, but he will do everything he can to destroy you. To take you down. To make you feel isolated, worthless, and unworthy of love. That's his goal.

But you know what? The war is already won. Our Daddy fought that fight and won already (Exodus 14:14) and will if we need help. But there are everyday battles. The choice to go latch on to your ex. The choice to say that word. Those words. The choice to smile at her, to say hi to him, to be helpful, to complain or not, to lift someone up or cut them down. Those little battles. The ones with yourself are hard too. You have that choice to believe that you are wonderful. That you are beautiful, that you are uniquely and wonderfully made. That you are loved, freed, held close, and known. That God doesn't just love you, He likes you, He's proud of you, He wants to spend time with you.

I'm learning this slowly. I'm learning that I don't have to accept the lies of "you're worthless," "you're not enough," or "no one likes you." I'm learning what the voice of my Daddy sounds like, and I'm learning what goodbye means.

And sometimes, it's a hard goodbye, but when I finally make a clean break with it, I find that peace and freedom that I'm called to live in. And that gives me hope.

Your challenge for the week (if you want):
Find one thing you need to say goodbye to. Just one lie that makes it harder for you to see Daddy (a note: He can always see you, but sometimes it's just hard to see Him and what He thinks of you). Take that lie and find some Truth to combat it, and remind yourself of it every day. Every single day, as many times as that lie comes up.

Goodbye to that lie. (teehee rhyming.)

Prayers and love!
Lauren