Something of freedom

Maybe it's selfish of me to not accept love and grace. I know it's a human thing too, that we don't see the love He has for us as readily, which is dumb because there's way more and it's way better. But maybe in my own head, in my own thoughts, I think I'm not ok enough to love. That somehow He can love everyone else fully and deeply but when He gets to me, He only has the tail end of it like the bruised end of a banana or He's completely out. Maybe it's the broken promises, the loneliness, or the silence, but somehow that's what I expect. I don't mind being second; people are welcome to go first- I don't need to push. It's a you-then-me family around here.

"Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done

Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?"

But I can't let that get into my relationship with Daddy. I'm not the last one in a handout line.

I'm standing atop Mount Sinai or Mount Carmel or even just Sugarloaf, enveloped in His fiery presence. It's just us. I'm a little awed and a little ashamed. I feel so undeserving. What have I done to get here? I don't remember the journey up here, the sacrifices I had to make. I just know I'm here. And as much as the journey matters, I seem to think that right now is all that's gonna matter right now. Like my past and present don't exist. All the shortcomings I know I had, all the times I fell flat on my face, all the good moments when I did what I was supposed to too- they're all just not there. Something in me wants to ask who I am without a past and future. But something in me knows it's going to be ok.
You're mine.
A voice doesn't echo in the silence that buzzes anyways. It resounds in me. It digs into my core and buries itself there. It stripped off all the lies and the secrets and shame a long time ago and now it settles at my very core. The layers have been peeled back and my tender heart seems to beat way to quickly, way too loudly. But even that doesn't scare Him away. My shame and fear are staked a little ways away at the feet of a man who is bleeding and broken, but stands taller than I do by half a foot. And His presence speaks volumes.
The man's smile breaks like sunset and lights up everything equally and better. I don't turn in shame; I can't. The man holds every shame and fear that I had on leashes. They're awful creatures that aren't quite alive, and it hurts to look at them, but I'm caught up in this man's smile anyways. I don't known his face or who he is, but I have a small hunch that this is the Master of the wind and waves and of me.
I don't think I've ever run as fast or as hard in my life to Him, and I don't think I've ever felt as whole. My past doesn't come back to me, so I can't reference that. But I feel the Dream of Eden in me- that of perfect love with Daddy. I don't know how to explain it really, and don't feel a need for once to explain anything. Because I get the feeling that this man knows. That there is nothing he doesn't know. I think he knows more than I do, honestly. My beast of fear reacts, but it's not me anymore.
We stand on a cliff. All day wouldn't be enough with this man, but I don't have much of a sense of time anyways right now. The wind blows around this cliff. It's strong and scary and I think I might fall, except the man has me firmly. We look down at the circling dark that swirls around a beautiful world. The dark is in and overwhelming the beauty, but the beauty fights back to her best. The man explains that he's going to go down and fix it soon. I believe that. When we look to the other side, we see a dark place. From down below, the entire place would appear a bit like Vegas downtown- glitzy, shiny, promising, and chipping to show the fake. But from up here, all we can see is a city of darkness- of shame and fear and lies and worthlessness. This city is so built on everyone in the beautiful world as much as it's built on it's own inhabitants. The man gestures to my beasts. I won't be needing them.

"We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us"

They are not like puppies. They tempt me to cuddle them and hide them away like I have before. I know better this time. The man holds the first on still and I kick it as hard as I can into that dark city. Back to where it came from. I don't need it. Then the next and the next and the next. The man smiles broadly. It was almost a scary prospect to surrender those with his help, but it feels so good.
Gone are the doubts. Gone are the fears. Gone are the thoughts that I don't matter. That I'm not pretty enough. That I need to do more in order to be loved.
Now, I'm standing with him again. This time he's smiling again at me, but something's different. His smile seems sadder. He hugs me and then turns and walks to where a cross is resting. I hadn't noticed it. Shouldering it, he starts walking.
Come on; join me.
I do. I want to help him. Maybe he is the strongest person in the world, but somehow I feel the need to carry that cross up that steep hill too. Then I realize it's not his cross. That man carried his cross many many years ago in his surrender. Now it's my turn- he's carrying mine. I'm just responsible for it too in ways. So we start the journey up that hill. It's not easy and I trip and stumble, but my Daddy loves me very much and protects me from the pain.

"Life is waiting for you
And life I have given to you
Tell me what else can I do
What more have I left to prove?
That I am what you need
Still I will hold on to your heart
Through the chaos and the dark
When your eyes fail to see
So what are you waiting for?

On and on we go
Come love take my hand
On and on we go
As you run away again
On and on we go
Back to where this all began"